Dear Friend,
I had a coaching session two days ago, that felt like the ultimate textbook case.
A lady of 58 years of age, a key employee in a scientific company. Pretty features, a normal-sized body, intentionally figure-obliterating clothes.
The big issue that makes her life “not a real life” in her own words, is that she is steered, which mostly means, paralysed, by “what other people think of her”.
It didn’t take too many questions from me, until she was able to realise that it’s often about what SHE thinks people think of her.
She grew up as a constant target for harsh judgement and direct criticism from her family and other members of her village, and to this day, she’s in constant fear of displeasing others, of being an utter disappointment to everyone, and of being guilty of all sorts of mistakes.
So I started wondering whether she was born with some uncommon psychic abilities, or had embraced some radical ideology, or had gotten into trouble with addiction, or the law, or pregnancies, or what else could have pushed folks around her into shaming her for years.
When she felt safe enough to open up I saw, yet again, a beautiful human being before me, who was fully buying into the lie that she was worthless.
She had never done anything disappointing, she was going to church, she was a good school girl, and later went on to study science.
It turned out that one of her biggest crimes was that she didn’t have Barbie legs, you know those endlessly long, slim, straight, and smooth legs every girl is made to believe she must have, in order to deserve to live. She was told as a young child that her legs were too short and stocky. Later she was told that “with that body” she shouldn’t walk around in the clothes she liked.
Another crime she was accused of, was that she was “too curious and was wasting time dreaming about things that she could never have”.
And when she wouldn’t just say yes and shut up, she was told that her character was rough and that she was “full of flaws”.
Now all this might sound like not a big deal to some people, but when a very young person gets shamed for their physical appearance, for their dreams, and for their character, what their subconscious mind hears is: I am not worthy of living.
As children and throughout our youth we tend to fully identify with our body and our mind.
If both of these are bad, it means that I am bad.
Our dreams are all we hope for and believe about our future, about our life.
If that’s bad too, what’s left? What’s good about me?
Nothing.
Good luck, going through life with that kind of programming…
I just want to say a few words about “flaws”.
What the fuck is a flaw in the first place? Who decides that this or that is a flaw?
In a world that wants you to be a Barbie, if you have short and stocky legs, you’re not the ideal Barbie.
Sure.
And whose world is that, pray tell?
Why should you fit into this world that’s not yours?
YOU are your world.
And in your world, you are perfect.
Flaws do not exist.
We have no flaws.
We are who we are, and if they don’t like us the way we are, then their world is not compatible with our world, and they should go look for someone they like better.
Back to the lady for a second.
It took her four years of work with a psychologist, to get to a point where she now dares to walk along the shore for a couple of minutes, when she goes to the beach. Before that, for decades, she was too ashamed to stand up from her towel in her swimwear.
She married late and had a kid at age 43. Her daughter is now 15, and every time there are social gatherings with other kids and their parents, who are all 20 years younger than her, she dies inside because she is ashamed of her age.
At her company, she has big responsibilities due to her competence and experience, but she gets exploited because she’s ashamed to demand an adequate salary.
So her subconscious mind is telling her that she’s not worthy of walking in the sun, that she’s not worthy of enjoying other people’s company, that she’s not worthy of proper compensation for her work.
Lies, lies, lies, and more lies. But even as intelligent adults, we’re often still at risk of believing them…
Let’s never lower our guard.
Anything that doesn’t feel great reeks of lies.
Please remember, you have no flaws, and when someone says you do, that’s a lie ❤️
PS: If you know someone who might like to get my news, feel free to forward them this email! And in case someone forwarded it to you, and you would like to sign up for it too, you can do it here ⬇️
